A Question Of Loneliness

A Question Of Loneliness

After dropping off little PG at school this morning I set off to work. The high school kids all waiting for their bus.

I saw a lad of maybe 14/15 was stood on his own at a bus stop whilst the other six or seven of them were stood together laughing and joking.

It made me think back to when I was at high school. I hated it. Bullied from pretty much day one, friends with others whilst it suited them before being dropped.

At the time I always felt that it was better to put up with being treated like that because it meant at least there would be people around.

Wind forward to sixth form and I had very few friends. There were a few that i’d talk to in lessons, a girl who wanted my company when she wanted someone to go with her whilst she had a cigarette but dropped me just as quick when we got back and a couple of people I sat on the school bus with.

Then there was my ‘lunch friends’. I can’t use that label any looser. I’d run from last lesson to make sure I was there before they finished theirs and wait. They’d come out together and just walk on by. I’d go after them and spend the next 10 minutes walking into town whilst they continuously told me ‘why are you here’ or ‘we don’t even like you’! (The thing is, one of them was in one of my lessons and we got on great. That was until the other one was there and he changed.

So we’d walk into town and head to the same bakers each day. Sausage and egg butties ordered but I always tried to make sure that I ordered first. (You can probably see where this is going) 

If my butty came out first we’d spend the walk back pretty much the same as the way in. If not, it’d be a lonely walk back. One day the lady in the shop even switched the order around because she’d seen what was going to happen and had seen it before.

The thing I didn’t realise at the time is that they didn’t deserve my attempts to want a friendship. I stupidly ’emotionally reset’ myself when he was nice to me in class and the other lad wasn’t there.

The strange (and somewhat annoying) thing is that I’m still like that at times now. However I’m much more likely to ‘go to the loo’ and head home. I’m happy in my own company. I’m happy spending time with my family where very occasionally I get a hero’s welcome. I also have a small group of real friends. We talk rubbish most of the time, send wildly inappropriate group messages and drink together. We also (and strange for a group of blokes) talk about problems we have, both in general and about family issues. They’re the first group of friends I’ve ever had like that and it’s taken nearly half my life to finally find them.

I don’t know what happened to my so called ‘friends’, I never saw them after I left school. I don’t wish them any ill or have any bad feelings towards them, I just don’t count them as featuring in my life.

PG

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